My Marriage Tis of We Because of Thee

Pastor Tom Mitcell My Marriage pt 2

My Marriage Tis of We

Last week I gave you a Biblical view of marriage: It’s a flawed and sinful person like my wife Dori, married to a flawed and sinful person like me, in a flawed and sinful world but with a faithful God. Because marriage is about two flawed and sinful people it does get messy.

A key passage we looked at was James 4:1: “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” Cravings underlie conflicts! (say it with me). Where there are fights and quarrelsyou will find unfulfilled cravings or desires. We all need to ask the Father to help us identify and deal with our “cravings” that underline our conflicts.

This morning I want you to turn to Ephesians 5:21: Chuck Swindoll says: “This section pushes buttons. Big buttons.” Through the ages, this passage in which the Apostle Paul intended to communicate the riches of love in a Christian marriage, has often been used to beat women down and keep them in their place. It has also been used to let men know how far they fall short of loving their wives.

Too often this passage is used to control, to guilt or condemn. Too often, usually out of frustration or fear a husband or wife, pulls out one of the verses in the passage and “zings” it at their partner. The Bible says you are supposed to “love me unconditionally” – zing. And the wife tries to Biblically, guilt her husband into being the kind of husband she thinks he ought to be. Then it’s the husband’s turn: The Bible says you’re supposed to ”submit” to me – zing. And a husband tries to guilt his wife into being the kind of wife he thinks she ought to be.

Hear this: A Christian marriage isn’t one where you use the Bible to try to control, manipulate, or guilt the other person. A Christian marriage isn’t where you try to apply verses that don’t apply to you but do apply to someone else. That is not a Christian marriage.

In Eph 5:21 Paul gives an introductory statement on marriage: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (Repeat) The word “submit” means = I’m going to put your desires above mine. When it comes down to my desires and your desires I’m going to put yours over mine. He says I want you to “submit to one another” and here’s the big idea: You are to put one another’s desires above your own, NOT out of reverence for one another. You would expect him to say, “Tom submit to Dori, out of reverence for Dori. And Dori submit to Tom out of reverence for Tom.

A Christian marriage is when “I chose to submit, to place my desires under the other person desires out of reverence (respect) for Jesus!” Jesus, the one who came to this earth and willingly died for your sins. In light of what He has done for you, I want you to show reverence to Jesus by submitting to each other.

Andy Stanley shared this illustration: Imagine I had a talk with Jesus and said: “Jesus, I’m so very grateful for what you’ve done for me. You forgave me for all my sin. I used to be a self-centered jerk and now I’m less of a self centered jerk. You forgave me. Jesus I’m so grateful for all You did for me. What can I do to show you Jesus how grateful I am for all You did for me? What can I do?

Jesus says, “Are you serious?”

“Yes, I’m serious! I want to show you. How can I show you?”

If you are really serious, then here’s what I want you to do. I want you to take all your love and gratitude that you have for Me and I want you to give it to your wife.”

I hesitate and say, “Well Jesus, this is between you and me and I want to thank you and express my thanks to you!”

Jesus says, “I heard you, here’s what I want you to do. I want you to take all your thanks, gratitude and love and direct it to your wife, Dori.” Jesus. “Isn’t there a plan B? Can’t I just go on a mission trip or teach Bible school, or give 11%?”

Jesus says “NO!” I want you to submit to her, to put her first. Not because she earned it, not because she deserves it. I want you to put her first, because, Tom, I put you first. In other words, Jesus wants me, Jesus wants us to do for our spouse what He has done for us.

Jesus says, here is the deal Tom. “I want you to remember how when you put your trust in Me for what I did on the cross for you, I cancelled all your debt of sin. I forgave you and didn’t expect you to earn your own way or perform your way or pay your way. Jesus says, “Tom I want you to take that debt free thing and apply that to your marriage. And just as I said that you don’t owe Me anything, you are to affirm that Dori doesn’t owe you anything. Jesus says, “I want you to submit to her,for my sake, out of reverence for me!”

To The Wives: Then Jesus gets specific in verse 22 to the wives. “Wives, submit to your husbands,” because they are great! Submit to your husbands because they earned it. Submit to your husbands because they can be completely trusted. Submit to your husbands because they will never take advantage of your submission. NO, no, no. “Wives, submit to your husbands, as to the Lord”. God says, “I want you wives, out of reverence for me, because of all I did for you, I want you to love, support and respect your husbands, the way I love you.” I want you to remember that in Jesus you and your husband both have dignity, equality, and unity, and what I’m asking you to do has nothing to do with inferiority. You and your husband are equals, but you both play different and complementary roles.

Wives: What is your attitude toward supporting and encouraging your husband. Do you treat him with respect, even when you disagree with him? Are you seeking his highest good because of Jesus love for you?

To The Husbands: Husbands, look at verse 25. Husbands, love your wives just as they deserve, because they are great, because they earned it. NO, no, no!

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church.” Husbands, we are to love our wives as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us…” Jesus says, “Husbands, I want you to take all your passion and love for Me and I want you to channel it to your wives.” And here is specifically how you are to do it. Jesus says, “I want you to lay down your life for her, because I laid down my life for you.”

You know what that means husbands? It means we have to learn how to communicate with our wives that we are willing to set aside our stuff, our plans, our schedule on her behalf when it becomes necessary. We need to show our wives that they are that much of a priority.

We are to love our wives, NOT because they earned it or deserve it. But because 2000+ years ago Jesus chose to lay aside all the privileges and comforts and security of heaven and came to earth on our behalf. Jesus died for our sins. How does He want us to say thanks? He says, “go lay down your life for your wife.” We are not to give our lives to our work, or hunting, or fishing, or golfing, or for watching baseball, football, basketball, Nascar, or anything else. We are to lay down our lives for our wives.

Do you know why God has designed marriage so that we would submit ourselves to our wives? This is so awesome! God designed marriage like that because He is so interested in you knowing how much He loved you! God loves you so much that he wanted you to show her his physical, tangible in her life love that he put you there as a conduit of His love for her. The way she is suppose to feel Jesus love the best is not at a women’s retreat or at a Newsboys Concert or through singing worship songs. It is supposed to be through you husbands.

And God loves me so much that He wanted me to know by experience his physical, tangible, experiential love, so He put Dori in my life to be a conduit of His love to me. That is how much God loves me!

God wants us to love each other, just as He loves us. He wants us to experience His love through one another. We are God’s number one tool and method for demonstrating His love, especially to our mates.

Husbands: Are you loving your wife in the same manner as Jesus loved? Is your role in the home one of servant-leadership? Are you seeking her highest good because of Jesus love for you?

Objections: I know the objections to this type of relationship. I know the objections to doing marriage by the model that Jesus gives us here. Through the years I’ve heard a lot of different stories, some heart breaking stories of abusive power and control. I know some of you may be thinking, well it sounds good on Sunday morning but I don’t think it works in this or that situation.

Remember this: there are no guarantees in marriage. I am not telling you that if you do marriage the Jesus way that it will be easy or that everything will be fine. I am simple saying that this is Jesus way for doing marriage. These are the roles Jesus wants us to have in marriage. It isn’t simple or easy. But it is Jesus plan and model for doing a Christian marriage.

Let me close with a quote by Chuck Swindoll: A good marriage cannot be cultivated in a hurry, so please don’t think that you have to master all that was taught in the next week! You can get started on it, but the husband and wife relationship needs to be nurtured over the long hall, as both partners work with equal commitment and effort. Marriage is most certainly worth the effort and its value beyond any price!