Distracted Dad

The Distracted Dad

Today, I want to talk to you about what we are going to call the distracted father, because one of our weaknesses as fathers is that we can be so easily distracted. Ladies have you ever noticed how a man can be easily distracted when you are trying to talk to him? At my house, every now & then, Dori shares something with me & my mind will wander to another continent or something.

The sad thing is, too many fathers will lose important battles, because we are so easily distracted by what the Bible world calls: “The love of this world.” I John 2:15-17: “Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the Father in you. For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, & pride in our achievements & possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this world. And this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave. But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever.” (NLT)

Fathers, you need to understand that if you are not careful, you will be distracted & fall in love with things that do not last.

Why is it that fathers can become so easily distracted? Part of the reason is, because as fathers, we want to conquer. We want to keep score. We want to be able to win, & the world makes it so much easier to keep score. You see, in God’s spiritual economy, it’s hard to know, “Am I winning? Am I losing? How am I doing?” For example, You’ll never have the husband come home from a Bible study & go, “Yeah, yeah. I’m the man.” I mean, you saw that closing prayer, right? In fact, the guys got together afterwards & they ranked my closing prayer a 9.25. “I mean, my best effort was a 8.5, but that was a 9.25. Next week, I’m going for a 9.5. It doesn’t happen, does it? And so, spiritually for a guy, it is really hard to keep score.

But the world, you see, makes it so easy for us to keep score. “Can I tell you how much money I’m going to make this year? Oh, did I tell you, that I was the number one ranked sales guy last month? Did I tell you, they are going to give me a five hundred dollar bonus? Have you seen my house? Have you seen my car? Hey, dude, have you seen my girlfriend? See, guys, we want to keep score, & spiritually, it’s very difficult, & so we are drawn to the place where we can keep score.

Spiritually, it’s so hard to keep score, but in the world, we can measure how we are doing, & that’s why our spiritual enemy will attack fathers, try to get them off track, to fall in love with this world.

So this Father’s Day we’re going to take a look at a verse that shows us three things that we need to be doing as fathers. We must not let the world distract us from this instruction: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training & instruction of the Lord.” (Eph. 6:4)

GOD’S INSTRUCTIONS ON FATHERHOOD!

1. BE A TRUSTWORTHY LEADER FOR MY KIDS!

“Fathers, do not exasperate your children…” (Eph. 6:4) Notice for dads: “do not exasperate". “Exasperate” means to embitter or to make really angry, to bring one to a deep-seeded anger or a state of perpetual resentment.

How do we do that, fathers? How is it that we sometimes exasperate our children? God gives us authority of our home; therefore we must be wise in that responsibility.

We cannot wield our authority unfairly, inconsistently, harshly, or selfishly. Otherwise, our children will be deeply affected.

“Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” (Col. 3:21) Another translation says “they will lose heart.“ The twinkle you see in a child’s eye, the spring in their step disappears if they are led poorly. Yet how do we become a trusted leader in our home & family?

Let me give you one guideline. You need to ask yourself a simple question that all good leaders ask: How can I bring the best out in my family? That’s what every great coach, leader, or boss asks. How can I bring out the best in the people God’s given me to lead? When we ask & operate out of that mindset, our children & family will understand that we are absolutely committed to their success. They will find their position in life & know we will help them succeed. They also know we will not abandon them when they fail. We must let them know we’re on their side & are interested in their lives.

One of the things I seek to do for my kids is to look ahead for them. When I’m driving, I’ll often explain certain things they need to be careful for when they begin to drive. I’m communicating to them that I will help & support them to gain that responsibility & privilege one day. So I’m always looking ahead for them.

Another thing I pray for is for their future spouses. I pray that God will help their future spouse to love God with all their hearts & help their gifts & abilities to continue to develop so they will be a perfect compliment for my son or daughter. And finally I ask the Lord to bring them together at the right time protecting them until then.

So the first point in God’s instruction for fatherhood is that we be trustworthy leaders for our children. The next is…

2. BE A PROACTIVE NURTURER MY KIDS.

“…instead, bring them up…” (Eph. 6:4)We need to provide tender care or nourishment. It’s something we naturally think will be attributed to mothers, but here the Bible attributes it to fathers. Children are to be treated with tenderness, to be fondly cherished, & to be loved. It is intentional that we bring them up or raise our kids.

Keep in mind that if we don’t take an active role in raising our kids, someone or something else will. Fathers, we need to have a tender, loving, nurturing approach to children. Don’t leave this to mom. Yes, that means girls need healthy, pure, masculine affection from their fathers. They need to be hugged, held, & kissed. And that goes for sons, they too need to be hugged, held, & kissed in a pure way. And if we fail to do that, it sets them up for sexual dysfunction later in life. They need to know they are loved by mom & dad and that we love them unconditionally & not because of the way they perform. In other words, we just love them because God has given them to us.

I remember that it scared me as I got my son involved in baseball. It was because I played the game and was really serious about it. So I knew that I needed to be careful because he could begin to measure my love for him by his performance on the field. I’ve seen it happen with guys whose fathers wanted them to play. All a son wants is his father’s approval. So if we place too much emphasis on their ability, kids begin to equate their performance with our love for them

That’s why I let my son know that no matter how he performed my love was unconditional. Fathers when you communicate this to your children, it builds a bridge in your relationship. Remember that with authority you can control somebody. On the other hand, if you want to change someone it takes relationship. So love them, hug them, talk to them, & spend time with them when they are young.

It builds a bridge between you & your child that hopefully will stay up even throughout the difficult times especially during the teen years.

Sure you may have some battles on the bridge, but the bridge is still up. And most of the time they will come to you when they need wisdom the most. Finally the third instruction God teaches fathers is to…

3. BE A SPIRITUAL LIFE COACH FOR MY KIDS.

“…in the training & instruction of the Lord.” (Eph. 6:4)Sometimes people think that kids are like blank diskettes with no data on them. It’s not true. They are preprogrammed. Just notice how we don’t have to teach kids how to be selfish, to lie, or to be stubborn. It comes built in. David said this: “in sin my mother conceived me.” So when children are born, they are already born with a broken relationship with God & it shows up in their actions.

The way the Bible puts it is, “foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child & the rod of discipline will remove it far from them.” (Prov 22:15)Fathers, that means we must train our children. We need to provide discipline & outward control. Yes it requires setting boundaries for our children at home: the kind of language they are allowed to use, how they treat each other, their respect for property, chores, homework, entertainment, & self-control. We have to intentionally develop a training system that will help our children grow up. On top of that, we have to hold them accountable so that when they cross boundaries they have consequences.

“Discipline your children while there is hope. If you don’t, you will ruin their lives.” (Prov. 19:18) NLT) We will ruin their lives if we don’t discipline them because children don’t have everything in their heart necessary to become responsible & mature adults. It’s important to train them.

Whether it’s spanking, timeouts, or removal of privileges, there must be consequences for crossing boundaries. Now I’m not talking about abuse. It’s important to draw a distinction between that. However, disciplining our children in love & not punishing them in anger is essential to their growth. It’s also important that while they are small we teach them self-control & consequences for their actions. Lavish your children with tender love & they will receive discipline & grow from it. However, if you are a harsh leader & neglect loving your kids & only talk to them when you yell at them or punish them in anger, it will crush & harden their hearts towards you. Then someday when they really need your wisdom, they won’t come to you for answers.

Bring them up in the training & instruction of the Lord.(Eph 4:6) In other words, bring them up to lead righteous lives. How do we do all this? The first step is to establish a source of truth. I suggest the Bible. Get a Bible & teach your children the bible stories when they are young. On top of that, being authentic in our own faith & living it out in real ways, our children naturally learn the same things. They’ll watch how we talk to mom. They’ll watch how we handle our free time & notice what we watch on TV. One of the best things our children can observe is when we are praying or reading the Bible. That example will speak to them louder than words. That’s because the best lessons are caught, not taught.

So to help you with being a spiritual life coach for your children, here are four quick COACHING ESSENTIALS I got fromDr. Wayne Cordeiro:

1- Listen to your kids. James 1:19 “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak & slow to become angry.” Let your kids talk. When you listen to kids, it makes them feel that you really care. Besides you can’t coach somebody you don’t know.

2- Guide your child’s heart. Sometimes we reduce parenting to a bunch of skills…we place so much emphasis on skill rather than heart.

However, every coach knows it’s not enough to have a skilled player. A player must have heart. The attitude a player brings to the team & to the game is vital. “Above all else, guard your heart, for it affects everything you do.” (Prov. 4:23 NLT) So watch your child’s attitude; watch how they think. Part of our job is to guide them through those heart changes & find out why they are becoming who they are.

3- Model growth not perfection. Sometimes we like to come across like we are never wrong. That’s a big mistake because our children know we’re not perfect. That’s why when we don’t acknowledge our failings & try to keep that perfect image up, we essentially show our children how to be phony. On the other hand, when we are honest & able to say we’re sorry from time to time, they see we are authentic & real, thus we model growth, not perfection.

4- Connect them to their Heavenly Father. I knew the day would come when I wouldn’t be able to protect them all the time. Yet I know the Heavenly Father could because God’s power is unlimited. We can’t be with them in some of their tightest spots, but God can be with them everywhere. I can’t save their souls, but God can. There are so many things we can’t do for our kids so the best thing we can do for them is to connect them to their Heavenly Father. It is so vital that we have a strong relationship with our Heavenly Father.